F@ck Regular Joe. Buy a Purple Hot Rod.

Don’t get me wrong, a Lamborghini is, hands down, a mint car. I don’t doubt it’s a thrill ride. If someone tossed me the keys and said, “Here, have a purple Lamborghini,” my first instinct would be to say “Thanks,” hop in that car, and peel away as fast as I could before they changed their mind.

After the initial thrill wore off, I’d sell the Lamborghini, buy a moderately priced SUV for one sixth of the price, pay off my debt, and donate the remaining proceeds to charity. I’d feel like a first-class asshole traipsing around my working class town in one of those ridiculous-looking things. I’m a grown-ass man, not a teenager. Which is why, if I won a lottery or, by hook or crook, had a hundred million and change burning a hole in my pocket, I would never buy a purple, fucking Lamborghini.

Look, what kind of a world is it where there are people who can, and do, spend three hundred and fifty grand on a bloody car when there are homeless people, shitty schools whose teachers have to spend their own lousy money to buy school supplies for kids who aren’t theirs, and people who can’t afford to get that cancer treatment for their sick child? How did such a small gaggle of folks amass so much wealth they can afford to blow wads of cash on stupid-coloured toys and indulge countless pointless, profligate trifles that could otherwise provide food and shelter for a nation’s homeless? How does someone get that rich without robbing something?

This isn’t a tirade against rich people. I come from a rich family. They’re just not rich enough – or asshole enough if they were – to spend the kind of money on cars and yachts that could otherwise fund a hospital or feed people who are starving, or pay for schools to educate children who did nothing to deserve being born into a world that fucks them over because their parents are poor, or have addictions, or are the wrong creed or colour, or made poor choices early in life that put them on the path of poverty and disenfranchisement.

Our nations’ innocent kids need that money and fuck anyone who says otherwise. Fuck people who hoard the money our countries need just so they can buy a plane or yacht to impress their false, fair-weather friends. Okay, so maybe this is a tirade against some rich people: ultra-rich people.

So if you’re rich enough to just go and buy a Lamborghini on a Tuesday afternoon because you feel like it, fuck you. It’s not personal but you know, deep down, nobody, not even you, really deserves to be that rich. Our crumbling societies need that money. Do it for the kids. Forgo the ego-stroking vanities and put some of that wealth back into communities that can’t afford to provide basic services for its citizens. Use it to pay teachers, nurses, and anyone whose job is to serve the community a wage they can live on so they can focus on doing the best job possible without financial worries and actually retire in peace after a career of trying to make our communities better for everyone.

Sure, Mr. Billionaire Man, you worked hard to get where you are. I work hard too. Lots of Regular Joes come home every night exhausted from working hard. They’re not buying a fucking Lamborghini, for all their hard work. They’re paying a third of their wages to drive a car the bank still owns and using every other cent they make to barely pay the bills. They’re eating shitty, easy-to-prepare processed foods because they’re house poor, can’t afford to buy fresh foods, and too exhausted to spend time planning and preparing healthy meals.

So champ, you got lucky and you know it. Congratulations, you’re a big shot now. Since you’re driving that purple phallus all over town, the rest of us know it too.

Why are there so many billionaires in the world right now? Fucked if I know. It’s messed up. I can’t stand it. One minute I see an ad pandering to people rich enough and asshole enough to buy a Lamborghini, the next I’m seeing news about the increasing numbers of poor and homeless dying of COVID or drug overdoses. Apparently there’s no money to address these problems.

Really? What about the offshore bank accounts filled with ill-gotten, laundered, tax evading loot the uber-rich ingrates use to buy their fucking Lamborghinis? Is there enough money in those hundreds of tax-siphoning bank accounts to afford stuff our society needs to take care of its people instead of a fucking car?

All this is to say it pisses me off to see billionaires getting off rubbing everyone’s face in their armpit with yachts and planes and sprawling mansions that show just how lucky and grotesquely rich they got.

“Look at how much money I can blow on a stupid ass car with 90% more horsepower than I can legally use in a city,” exhorts douchey billionaire obnoxiously over-torquing his idiotic sports car down a quiet suburban strip, making his fellow citizens unwitting participants in his childhood Miami Vice fetish.

Fuck you. I mean it. Blow me.

Also, purple is the stupidest colour for a car. Like, ever. Remember the AMC Gremlin? No, you probably don’t. Not only were these cars incredibly ugly and notorious lemons, but the standard colour of these atrocious, urban eyesores was purple (No wonder AMC went under). Enough said.