About

I am black. And white. In my mind, and in my life the world is a giant, grey haze.

I was a love child, product of my white mother and an African-American father who was not in the picture. Essentially, I was raised as a white person, but in a black man’s body. It’s led to a lot of identity issues for me; I don’t see myself as “black” but have been reminded throughout life that I am, in fact, not white.

I suspect if you asked a “real” black person, they’d say, after spending any amount of time with me that I don’t really seem black. I don’t know why I say that, it’s just a feeling I’ve had for a very long time. White people I’ve met throughout life have told me I don’t seem black which most often betrays something in them I don’t think they realize isn’t good. I don’t trust their view, though I share it, for reasons I can’t explain, if that makes any sense.

I was diagnosed well into adulthood with Attention Deficit Disorder and even later with Autism Spectrum Disorder. In today’s nomenclature I am an AuDHDer, and wear the badge proudly. It has been a long road to a positive sense of self worth with all that intersectionality stacked against me (black, neurodivergent).

Originally I wanted to start a blog because I’ve been writing aimlessly for a long time. Everyone else has a blog, so why not me? I’ve had a career that has been at times stressful, at others extremely unfulfilling. Writing has been a great escape and has re-invigorated those parts of my brain left for dead by the doldrums of paid employment.

Writing also satiates my craving for isolation, my tendency toward cynicism, silliness, misplaced sarcasm, and moodiness. I have mixed feelings about being with others, especially if I didn’t choose to be with them. Being in environments like an office, where there’s not much demand for authenticity, are torturous. The politics and witless adult striving of a workplace are trite and banal, but also amusing when viewed from a distance.

Over the years writing has been a useful way to get the bile out of my system without hurting anyone actually in my life. In my heart I am really an optimist who wants everyone to be happy and get along. I credit years of meditation, wise teachings, and learning about the workings of my own mind for that outlook, because it wasn’t always that way.